Hello lovelies!!!! I am really happy to be here again. I have been away for so long and I do not have a valid excuse. I am so sorry.
The truth is I have been through some self imposed sad times in the last couple of months. I have just been in this frame of mind where I have felt like I was not good enough for anyone or anything. Well it is story time so I am going to tell you why and what I am doing differently now.
It all started from law school. For our dedicated readers, you would have noticed that I wrote a bit more at the beginning of law school. I had little experiences to share with you all and then it all ceased. Well this is why, I became a Group Leader!!!!😭😭😭😭 It was such a tough time for me. I had the sweetest group members but they were few compared to the ones that were designed to frustrate me out of existence. All my life I have been used to being the very best at everything I did. You know I got accolades (nothing serious o). I loved leadership but here I was losing myself. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get the whole group to the perfection I wanted. There were sleepless nights of perfecting the work and a lot of tears. Eventually I did what I ought not to have done- I gave up on the goal. I gave up on pushing to be the best. I gave up on trying too hard. Very few people appreciated my efforts anyway. They would tell me “ask Y”. His group always gets it right. I stopped being the ” Y”. It seemed like my whole being was shattered and it had a spiral effect on every part of my life. I stopped writing or doing anything. I did not even know what I wanted to do anymore. I tried writing a few times and my skill set seemed very rough. I always concluded that it was not good enough to put out there.
Fast forward to after law school, it was time for NYSC. For the first time in my life I wanted to melt away. I did not want to speak to anybody. I did not want to help anybody. I did not want a position. I wanted to go unnoticed and unheard. I was convinced I wasn’t good enough. So for three weeks in camp, I was the diluted version of myself. I am never at the back in class or anywhere but in camp I was always at the back and totally unbothered about what was going on.
Then bar II results came out. I got a 2:1. Initially, I thought I could not make a 1st because of how other duties had drained my reading time. However, so many people believed in me. They were so sure I would make a 1st and that propelled me to work for it and believe it was possible. When I resumed at the law office I was posted to, one of the lawyers was certain I would make a 1st. Imagine the pressure I was feeling! I really wanted a first in undergrad but again I missed it. I thought a first from law school would be lovely. I refused to be stressed about the delay in releasing the result. I was certain of what it was going to be and boom it was a 2:1. A 2:1!!!! I cried and cried and silly me, I interpreted it to mean I wasn’t good enough for a first as well. Twice I tried to get it and twice I failed. I slipped into subtle depression. I did not really care about the ceremony. I was disappointed in myself and with every passing day I lost a tiny bit of my self esteem. Until I felt completely lost. Current status report: It dawned on me that not everybody passed you know. So, I have taken a different route of gratitude. Every time, I am reminded 161 people made a first. It makes me shiver with disappointment but then again, a lot more than that failed. So, GRATITUDE IT IS. Eventually, I will get over it.
Oh and recently, you would never guess what happened. I decided to order a dress for my birthday. It was a really pretty dress butttttttttttt when it arrived, I almost died. In fact, I mentally collapsed. Like why?????? To make things worse, my birthday is a Monday so that is a boring work day. My friends and I had planned to have dinner the Saturday after. Then, something possessed them to prank me and tell me they cannot make it. I had a bad dress and friends cancelling on me. I am definitely not worthy of celebrating my birthday as well. Well, eventually I found out it was a prank and I ordered another dress. Yayy!!!!! Problem solved yes? Noooo!!! INEC decided to postpone the election to the Saturday designated for the dinner. Well I guess this dinner was not meant to happen. You can see how I have taken every little thing going on as evidence of my unworthiness and that is all wrong! It is a very dangerous path to take because disappointments are abound in life and it should not be a parameter for who you are.
So this is me as bare as ever. I have gone from the girl that was super active in secondary school to a girl comfortable in a tiny little shell because I let little bits of life cage me. I started thinking, what spell has been cast upon me? What is wrong with me? Where has my self motivation gone? Why do I feel less than who I am?
Honestly, I am not there yet but I realised I had to push myself out of this bubble. I am what I believe I am. I have spent such a long time telling myself that I am not good enough. I believed it and started acting accordingly😔😔 but that is not true anymore.
I know there are people out there that feel less and suffer from depression. I am here to tell you that you gat this ❤ All you need is to change your mindset about yourself. Love yourself. Speak positively to and about yourself. Recently, I have started guarding my peace of mind with everything I have got. I cannot have low self esteem issues and have humans add to the stress🤦🏽♀ Hell to the no! If you have been like me, telling yourself you are not good enough, well I got word for you. YOU ARE SO DAMN WORTH IT AND YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE MY DARLING. YOU ARE GREATNESS PERSONIFIED!
It is my birthday in 2 days time and I figured this is the best time to step out and start afresh with a renewed spirit. So 🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂🥂to you all and most importantly, to the woman I am turning out to be. I am not even ready for myself yet😁😁😁😁😁😁😁